Since the last time I posted many things have happened. We managed to go ahead with the iDA pilot class (not entirely up to my expectations). The kids’ hackathon is now over. I am now one year older and have entered gasp the twenties.
Time seems to pass extremely quickly and I feel like I should be doing more–much more–if I am to secure a scholarship. I can’t help but feel frustrated that the things I have to do are gated by other people. I can work at a blistering pace but if I’ve to wait for others to get back to me this limits what I can do.
Over the past few months I’ve also been doing things that I feel are not so useful with respect to getting a scholarship and part of me wonders if I should even bother. There are things that I have chosen to put on hold (driving) but there is the matter of ACCA and I’m not sure how much effort to devote to that. It would be excellent if I can finish F1-F3 by the end of this year but at what cost?
And of course hobbies such as ping-pong or 书法 and so on which I want to get better at but am I getting anything out of it and is it sapping my time? At the risk of sounding like a broken record, anything that doesn’t bring me closer to getting the scholarship I want is (by definition) unproductive.
I realise that not all the things I embark upon will bear fruit. (I briefly harboured the hope that my WITS project could give me something but I am now convinced that the entire endeavour is otiose). But what else can I do apart from cast the net wide and hope that something sticks?
That wasn’t a rhetorical question. I still maintain that the best way to get a scholarship is to do one thing and do it extremely well. But what is this thing? I am perfectly willing to devote my time and energy to a cause as long as this cause will pop up and say, please devote your time and energy to me and you will not be stonewalled by other people, and it will be able to grow, and it will all be worthwhile.
This futility has given me somewhat of a 野心 in the sense that I am now unsure of what course to take. There is no doubt in my mind that Oxford is my first choice but as the hope of getting a scholarship dwindles, I am now considering second/third choices. I have told a friend that I intend to take the BMAT with him and I am considering going into medicine because apparently law is on the down and down. I am even considering going back into engineering (REP seems quite attractive)…
If I may leave modesty by the side for a while I believe I deserve a scholarship. I think I have the drive to self-criticise and self-improve. Largely this is borne by the deep-seated insecurity that I am simply not good enough. I also have another advantage that others don’t: I don’t value my personal time because I know that I am nowhere near disciplined enough to make good use of it. Therefore, I am able to put in a lot of effort into doing whatever the hell the organisation wants me to do.
It is now the 11th of August and I had best start planning my after-work timetable. Very soon I will have armoury duty to do and will (probably) not have this luxury. For now, however, I must make full use of my time at home and not waste it playing Hearthstone or watching Youtube videos or chatting to friends.
The perennial feeling of not doing enough with my life has emerged yet again and all I can do is try to salve it.
One year older, but just as lost.